Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
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I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.