I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.