Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.