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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“We will wed,” I threatened
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.