My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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North and South
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)