Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?