“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam