Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
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I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Does your wife know you’re single?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.