Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
me adding lol on a serious message
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.