Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
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9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
groan^2
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it