Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.