girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no