I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.