me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I bet
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I cannot stop laughing at this
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.