A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
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Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation