Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.