If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
You Might Also Like
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.