oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
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Admin smashed it 😂
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I have never related to a cat more
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
He a real one for that
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Cashiers are always checking me out
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”