My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.