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You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage