please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
You Might Also Like
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
*offers Batman cough drops*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!