translated into Canadian
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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
What’s this sorcery? 😂
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.