In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
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Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.