I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”