i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.