People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t