Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Pringles
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed