One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
yeah no that’s fair
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Tremendous stuff
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.