Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
You can’t rush stupid.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
In case you needed to hear it:
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter