Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit