*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?