Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
my dad has had enough
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
🤣🤣🤣
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom