I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.