Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
You Might Also Like
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.