To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Can’t stop laughing
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
i want to work in this restaurant
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.