Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice