Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
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Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious