Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s