Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.