Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.