*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
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haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”