My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?