For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
You Might Also Like
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.