*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.