Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
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Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.