KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
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Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My last name is Zilla.
Basketball
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?