facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
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Mad Max Arctic Road
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Smooooooth
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys