My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
waiting for halloween be like:
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.