toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
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[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.