When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
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Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.